Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
where am i from again
I am midnight drunk by noon
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
