Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
