I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
