I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
