I think my fart just growled at me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
