for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
