everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
