Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
