how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
