I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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