On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
