I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
