It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
