I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
