I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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