3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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