You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
