He told me they were just razor bumps!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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