My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
