God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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