Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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