my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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