Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
