if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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