just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is Oprah even human
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
