Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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