I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
