My room smells like vodka and shame
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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