Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize