So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
