i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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