At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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