The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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