Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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