Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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