so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
