bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
