yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
