I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
