he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
