I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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