She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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