I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
