I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
