Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
