When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
