3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
