i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
