So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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