im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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