I'm lost and stupid without you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
