she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
