I met the friendliest cop last night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
