you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
