Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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