I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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