She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
