I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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