why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
