Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
